Saturday, March 03, 2007

One last Chance
'A' level results were released yesterday.
I was overwhelmed by emotions, from the past, present and future..

My average score in my A levels is mainly due to my very own defeat. I have no one else to blame, for i brought this upon myself. By the time i struggled to minimise my lost, this result is all i can salvage.
Its amazing how come i didn't take into consideration, how this exams can decide my future.
Thus, the efforts i put in were just the bare minimal to get what i (thought i) wanted. Such a pity for me when i know all along i can do so much better, i have that capability.
I was just one of the little people then.
And there i have it, got my place in uni, got the course i (think i) want. That's that.

Seriously, my achievements in jc is something i'm not proud about. Due to several reasons i couldn't focus. Its one of the two most difficult periods i had gone through in my life. I didn't know what i really wanted, I didn't have the confidence i always portrayed during my other parts of life. Couldn't find any purpose in life, no desire, nothing, there seemed to be no point for me to be doing anything more than the bare minimal required. I was lost.

But in return, i've learnt many things the hard way. (rmb what i always say that i never regret in my actions? yah) 1)Opportunities doesn't come often, hence i always seize every opportunity whenever i have the chance. To phrase it in a despicable way, to make full use of everyone or things when I have the chance. 2) The joy to put in every thing i got to achieve my goal. 3)Everything is possible as long as i can put my mind into it 4) to enjoy and treasure every part of my life, i've missed out so many things due to my procrastination 5) I am a perfectionist, either i do it every well or i'll mess it up... badly... (have i ever mentioned that jc was the only time in my schooling life that i've failed my test/exams, other then english?)... etc etc etc


That was 2 yrs ago.
Stubbornness and pride do not allow me to admit this to anyone. But the fact that i refused to reveal my weakness, shows that I, myself, refused to accept and face the problems. I was just running away from my fears. Yes, mr yee, you were right.

Army time was the period i felt free. It was a 2 yrs break from my 12 yrs of studying.
My failure, nevertheless, brought me even further from what i first thought. It was to the extent that there are people who kept on asking why am i always so optimistic, enthusiastic and involved. Several reasons, and this is one of them. This long break, in the mist of protecting the country, gave me the time i really need to sort out my thoughts (noticed i've been in daze and in deep thoughts very often during army...haha)and to find out what i truely wanted.

During the period, i've seen starlights, dreams and visions.. Hopes and promises. Along with it, their opposites.
There are just so much goodness to be done in this world. So much greatness within me to be achieved. And most of all, there are so many things that depend on me. With the support of many along the way (most of them don't know of the greatness they have done), i've slowly eliminate my obstacles. I found myself shining once again with renewed confidence.

After army, was another challenge. It is the second most difficult period which i'm determined to face, alone. Behind the obstinate mask, lies the despair face of hope and love. (refer to Queen Rurosa arc) I couldn't afford to spent time to 'enjoy while i can' once i realised that. There are just so much good out there to be done. That was why i immediately opt to start my university as soon as possible, which is May.

The challenge was ended with an unexpected twist during its last week, the only thing that started giving me sleepless nights and brought me to tears in years. Alex's accident. It is going to be close to a month since that day, and i'm still thinking about it every single day. Its as if i have the power to stop this from happening, even now. As i've mentioned, there are things we can accept but can never live with it. Just as i thought i've learnt everything i need to know in life, there is still something i've yet to learn, LOST. A pact was made between us. I can't wait to fulfill my end of the promise.

During this period, I've studied the stars, spoken with great philosophers, and most importantly of all, read into LIVES.

This is my story.

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I just went down with yongcheng to Suntec for the career/education fair. I need to reconfirm my choices which i made 2 yrs ago. Most prob its resulted from throwing of a dice. If I am having second thoughts and realise that there is a need to change, it will be now. It will be my last chance to redraw the dotted line before connecting the line with ink. And once made, i'll put everything i got into it. No turning back, no regret, as always.

Catching the falling leaves ...[4:12 PM]

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