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Friday, November 14, 2008
A familar feeling...
I have never really talked or shared about my 1.5 years of life in JC. Those who asked me about it, i would always hinted that it is a period of life that I'm not so proud about and I didnt really have much life in it, less to say have much to share.

Its just a feeling, something within me that is stopping myself from doing anything. During that period, everyday seemed to me like any other day, with nothing to look forward to, with nothing to motivate me on. I only put in my bear minimal, to attend all the lessons available, other than that it was minimal effort throughout. Its just like sinking into the darkness, getting deeper and deeper, so comfortable, not wanting to get out.

During that time, it seemed like I am fighting with myself. Its a war. An aimless war that i myself didnt know what was going on. Hence having a aimless life. Was lethagic yet restless to do anything. Something was not right, but i just couldnt pinpoint what was exactly wrong. I yearned everything to end. Attributing this feeling to the long years of education.

It was like a spiritual fight within myselves. The arrogant, proud and goal orientated part of me versus the weak, low motivated part of me. Couldnt shout out for help as there isnt any help at all. There wasnt anyone i could relate my feelings to in the first place.

How could I shine if there was something holding me back, causing me unable to focus?

This familar feeling came back to me from time to time over here.
OF cause, i attribute it to 101 things like the weather. Too cold to do anything.

IT was not before long that i finally pinpoint and find a name for all these.
THis feeling is called Loneliness.

I draw my powers from those around me. I depend alot on them. Certainly, the proud, overly confidence old me doesnt realise that back that, hence thought that I could solve everything on my own and doesnt need the help of anyone.

The fullmoon needs the light from the sun to shine brightly. What makes me of any difference? SInce light cannot be bend, the light from my home is unable to bend and travel to where I am. (Well, technology can bend light though, and that is the only reason why i can still have the least motivation to study a little.)Therefore, I've already given up working hard over here. ITs more damaging psychologically to be in a dilemma of forcing myself to try harder.
Instead, I have been learning stuff over here that i will never be able to learn back home. Simply because, I can afford to do that. I suppose study will have to wait next year.

Its like i know myself deep down that if i dont enjoy myself fully here. I will spend alot of time thinking about how i should spend my time here when i got back. So i must enjoy more while i can!


Catching the falling leaves ...[10:12 AM]
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