Tuesday, March 24, 2009

self conscious
I am an extremely self conscious person. Conscious on how others think of me so much so it will make me highly anxious, affecting my performance, just having the thought that someone is evaluating me.

It is something inborn i would say, and i learnt the hard way that is it not something i can change but something i will have to get use to and hopefully being able to conceal my anxiousness effectively.

I remember there was a time that i was afraid that people will laugh at me wearing a singlet, will laugh at me having a plaster on my wound or will laugh at me wearing spectacles or having my eye injured. Perhaps, this is where it started from and i brought this anxiousness up with me till this day.

Afraid and being highly anxious that people will evaluate me for the worst, i tend to kept things to myself only to share it when i am i my most comfortable state.
That is why I

1) dont share personal information with others when i was being questioned, only to reveal something vague and general. Ganesha was forever irritated by that, nonetheless the more he questions the more i felt uncomfortable in sharing so much so he felt that i have many personal things that i am hiding where there is nothing much actually.

2)Dont really like talking to people of higher power/authority/senior. ITs awfully stressful if there is someone who I know is more experience than me in some areas. And if i started communicating with them, i will be very conscious of what i said in the fear of saying the wrong things. Things get worst if they started asking me questions and i will definitely break down.
When this happens there are two mechanism i will result in
a) to reveal my anxiety by shuttering and stumbling
b) to put up a cold front to hide my anxiousness. I suddenly remember it used to be a smile a long time ago, but perhaps not smiling seems more easier that is why i forget how to smile when applying mechanism b.

3) Talk very little of my own personal experience or opinions and only talk of neutral things such as school work with my friends and family. of cos if i talk very little of my own, i wouldnt be asking others about theirs.

4) mix well with juniors/ students/lower ranks. The anxiousness will not be there as i dont sense them evaluating me.

All these concepts is really very simple. Just that many people just couldnt put their finger to it and couldnt explain what it is all about. They called it the 'x-factor', a crude way of describing people who are not anxious upon evaluation. Well, it took me quite sometime to figure it myself too.

Many people asked me why i am talking psychology. Sometimes i find it fairly easy to figure out why are others behaving this way, nonetheless, many a times i just couldn't figure out why i am behaving this way. I need to know why and along the way i am slowly making sense of things.

But then,
sometimes some answers might just appear when you least expect it...

Catching the falling leaves ...[11:08 PM]

****** ******