Friday, July 27, 2007

Agenda
(lets hope no one read the non edited version)
Edited 27th 8pm

I knew something was not right when Father sat on the driver's seat when we are heading to outram park for my stuff.

He had something in mind, he has an agenda. Knowing too well that if i was driving, i will most probably be too distracted and start speeding at 150km/hr once again...

I never know that Father can be so indirect.
First he started asking me about my school, how i shld be having hopes in everything i do (which of cos i always have).

Then he said,"I seem to have no hope in anything. Everyday is another hopeless day.."
He started to give instructions of this property must rent out and that property
not to sell ended of on how he shld just write a will instead of telling
me to handle these stuff....

He continued with the usual topic of me finding a girlfriend and how this girl across the street is not bad... He seems desperate.
It appears that he has been bringing up of this topic more frequently then ever.
It boils down that im the male heir of the 7th generation in my family line ....

I once shared this to an aquaintance, limin, months ago. She immediately identify the hidden meaning behind.
'You must jia you leh, faster get a son for your father to carry!' she said.
Great job history student!
Whereas it took me quite sometime to realise this actually.
( actually i tot abt it also leh, even spend the entire maths lectures of 2 hrs thinking what name to give him and/or her. That was why i'm always asking around and fasinated with interesting names. haha)


Lastly he ended of by saying that the old neighbour who owns the coffeeshop next block. He just died suddenly while counting money.

This is just so depressing. I know if i was driving, i will unconsciously speed to 'run away' from such thoughts.

This yr is the yr of the 070707. It had been foretold that I will experience many things during this yr. During the very first day of this yr, i told myself that i had to be strong to face all the challanges in store for me and i'm glad that the first two people i saw during the start of this yr was jockbiao and yongcheng. I think i would have collapse months ago without them around.. And sure enough everything happened.

I've met with the toughest battle in my life, I've listened to the true words of Queen Rurosa, I've retraced back the steps of Luinhision dated back 100 yrs exactly....

For some reasons, i think he knew it too. That was why he kept on pastering me to go china and to the secret 100y r trail at the most rural village and with the agenda.

Seriously,
I would rather all these miseries to fall upon me, let me be the one who suffer. For i have already been dealing with all of it all my entire life, whats the difference with a few more to go?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Mother has her own agenda too!
When she came home seeking refuge of her stuff.

I have my reasons of staying out of home.

Cos by staying elsewhere, mother will not have to worry about my share of laundry. She will not have to think about my share of food, in fact she might not cook at all since im not there anyway. She doesn't have the obligation to clean my room. With that, she will have the time to enjoy herself with her friends instead of busy thinking about me.

She has always been giving herself so many obligations and responsibilities that it hurts me.
I can't bear to see whatever is happening before me, i had to hide.

Seriously, i feel that alot of my actions that i'm doing have its basis on my mother. And that includes the unwillingness to accept changes.

Nonetheless it seems today, more than ever, that I can save her much more by staying at home to be with her.

Initally it started off sour. Then we started crapping, discussing how she shld go get another man who is rich and nice to look after her.
Then maybe we shld just go commit some crime and push all the blame to her so that she will end up in prison where food and accomodation are given and she need not to wash any clothes! All she will be doing is wat she has been doing all along, watering plants.

Then we think that we are too kind hearted for our own good. So we shook our last finger to go put some tattoos, pierce our nose and tongue wear earrings. Maybe join a gang or two, and take drugs...

She forced out a smile.

Seriously, i am not born being super optimistic or positive. Its nurtured, I had to behave like this.
Lets smile no matter what happens... Things are not as bad as it seems!

Labels: Really senseless rant

Catching the falling leaves ...[12:42 AM]

****** ******