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Friday, November 09, 2007
random thoughts
A coursemate of mine died a few days ago.

I didnt know him him before, never realise his existance until jockbiao spread the news to me.
Few days later, it was offically announced during the lecture period about his passing.

I never really put much thoughts into it or asked what really happened.
Cos it saddens me just simply thinking about it.

Chanced across his newspaper article when i was at wenchuan's room at 1230am just now ( we mug until 12am leh). He was wenchuan's friend.

The story according to the papers, he died in his sleep. (its becoming of a trend isnt it?) He just turned 21 last month. Hence, slightly younger than me.

Weicai once told me, once u reached 21. You will start to see alots of incidence of death and marriages to people around you. My mind was totally blank when he told me this.

There are many who feels that it is a blessing to die in the sleep, cos they will feel no pain.
At this point, i dont know, but i just feel that i will not give my life away without a fight. Its just not responsible for me to do so for the simple reason that my life is not mine alone.
Just a random thought.

SHouldnt be putting to much thinking abt that actually, final exams next week....
mug mug mug!!

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Catching the falling leaves ...[1:12 AM]
****** ******


Thursday, October 25, 2007
In dreams you came....
It must be the never ending quiz and exams that are getting onto me.

Starting to have weird dreams. It comes in different story line but seems to have a link in between.

FIrst was the place i hate most, then it morph into a site of ritual then it became like a scene from a soap opera, then it changed into a garden then into a playground. (each scene has its own story but i dont think anyone will be interested)
It was when i was climbing up the ladder of the playground. She appeared from the top and ask me who i am.

I replied as it is but she said its very nan ting, and asked once again...
I told her my other name.

"All these time you have been calling out for me, so now is my turn to call you to you," she said reaching out her hand to me and at the same time, cried out my name.

i hence shout out to her to answer her calling, i woke myself up with my own shouting in reality...

It reminded me of those tv serial when the character in coma and had a little chat with someone who died then wake up miraculously.
Glad that i didnt wake my roomie up, he can nv been woke up anyway...
Lets hope i dont stress myself so much that i started sleepwalking....
again.

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Catching the falling leaves ...[10:00 PM]
****** ******


Thursday, September 20, 2007
你没资格跟我斗
大学的生活的确是很精彩
心里早已知道这种生活可望不可求
但一直以来还是想硬着头皮的去追求。

Life in the university can be truly exciting,
Eventhough i knew deep down that such a life is never meant to be mine
I've always been straining myself to take on everything


我,腾达并非等闲之辈。
但怎么说也是凡人一个。

这梦寐以求的生活就当我无福消受。

I am never anything ordinary
Nonetheless, I am still human.
There are some things that are never meant to be mine.

被这学科蹂躏的学友并不少,
看到他们失落的表情,
让我不禁露出阴冷的奸笑。
仿佛这就是凯旋的序幕。。。
There are many who have already been trumbled over by the stempede commonly known as Study.
Looking at their disheartenment,
I unconsciously bursted out a sinister laughter,
as if i have already triumph.

好胜的本性谁没有?
Who are not competitive in nature?

尽管如此,他们不是我的对手。。。
他们没有资格跟我斗, 也没怎么能耐
Nevertheless, they are not who i'm fighting with
they are not qualified nor they have the capability.

那些有资格的朋友,
就让我瞧瞧你有多大的本事。。。
For those who are qualified,
let me see what you have got...
My power is based on the starlight, yet it is exactly the same thing im going against...

(ps. those who know me well will know writing such post is just to make me feel better)
------------------------

As of today, i've offically promoted Nicolas from status FAN to status AIRCON!
*clap clap clap!!
For the first time after i known him, he contacted me at the right time!!

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Catching the falling leaves ...[5:03 PM]
****** ******


Friday, August 10, 2007
Cover Guy!
IT was initially started of as a joke that i told people that i wanted to be the cover guy for next year's marathon....

Then i started to look into this year's cover guy....












number 4191. He actually ran 5 mins faster than me during the run last yr.
'Hence, if i run 5 mins faster i might become this yr's cover guy!!' I crapped.

I just couldnt resist, so i looked into last yr's cover guy...












number 6448.
hmm.. i vaguely rmb i purposely put on such a pose last yr when i ran. How come they didnt choose me? i wonder why...


















I continued looking into the previous year's cover guys and realised a pattern...

1) They normally alternate between a guy and a girl year after year.

There goes my chance of being next year's cover guy. But still theres hope of me being in the couple photo (for 2004). Meaning, when i completed my run, i must stand beside a girl and do some special pose with her and make sure the photographer took the photo.

2) It appears to be the case that all are wearing addidas singlet which were not given by the marathon (the blue and green one).. White in particular..
Therefore, that will mean that i'll have to go get a white addidas singlet to increase my chance of being spotted!

3) they were all not wearing any arm wallet! maybe cos with no earpiece sticking out from the wallet into their years, it made them look more professional?

Oh my, ill have to forgo listening to music while running? Sheesh!

4) Apparantly, the tag number for the past 3 yrs have TWO digits that are the same.
notice 2123 got two 2s, 6448 got two 4s , 4191 got two 1s.

Lets hope i'll get some auspicious number this yr!




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Catching the falling leaves ...[10:14 PM]
****** ******


Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Arts and Music x Vincent
I'm inspired. By my talents and potential...

I suddenly got the urge to return and be back as one with the Arts and Music.

I've not produce any art work or music this year...
My entire body is aching for it.

The entire idea i have right now just sounds fun.

I want to be back with the Arts and Music.
Something i've forsaken, something that can stop time...

---------------------------------


Starry Starry night, paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day, with eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
in the colours on the snowy linen land

For they could not love you, but still, your love was true
and when no hope was left inside, on that starry, starry night,
you took your life as lovers often do, but I could've told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you...

Starry starry night,
portraits hung in empty halls, frameless heads on nameless walls,
with eyes that watch the world and can't forget,
like the strangers that you've met, the ragged men in ragged clothes,
The silver thorn, a bloody rose, lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know, what you tried to say to me.
How you suffered for your sanity, and how you tried to set them free,
they would not listen, they're not listening still,
Perhaps they never will...


Fell in love with this song when my psycho teacher played this song during the lecture on personality disorder, depression. Apparantly, the artist Vincent was suffering from severe depression and eventually died from it.
This song was composed for him.

I can understand what he had gone through. Comprehend the feeling of no one truly understand what he was thinking.
I know he tried, but eventually given up.
There is no point explaining to others, cos they wouldnt understand, even if they understood, they will not think its right, and even if they think its right, they will feel that it is weird, and even if they feel its alright, they will not appreciate...

The people he met everyday were faceless, they are just little people...who else can he turn to?

The flithy world doesn't welcome the purity of his soul.
Where else can he go?

Even thought he had given up, deep down he had been hoping. Hoping that someday, someone will be there to set him free, or perhaps gave him just a moment of solance. Thats all he ever wanted. Nonetheless, no one was even looking at him... ...

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Catching the falling leaves ...[8:41 PM]
****** ******


Thursday, June 28, 2007
Set back
Met up with my first set back in ntu yesterday, and i'm not happy about it.
Seriously, no one will be.

Once again, i've spend the entire night in denial stage, trying to avoid thinking about it by sleeping through it.

Its so unjust.
Some slacker put in the minimal effort for the same modules during another semester got the same result as me.

I had the determination, and had put in all the necessary effort. This is just not right. Intelligence? you must be joking.

When i had finally figured out that the root of the problem is poor strategising, it even made me feel worst.

I am a manipulative person in nature who thinks steps ahead before doing my things. Really, it is an insult for me to be overlooking some important aspects in the game.

Looking at the bright side, at least from now on, i know exactly where to go and what to do.

Oh my, this is such a costly lesson

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Catching the falling leaves ...[6:38 PM]
****** ******


Monday, May 21, 2007
Tea Party
The day started off great last sat.
All those i know who are joining me during august came down for the tea party. Thomas, guanghong, lian hao to name a few.

What was most amazing was that i caught sight of a guy i knew from primary school while walking up the flight of stairs. It was only during the actual eating when this guy popped out suddenly and shouted out my name.
I was taken aback and above all, impressed.
It was like i've not seen this person after primary 3 till now. And yet he still remembers me.

And as always, i made a fool out of myself with my disgusting table manners by putting tempura into the chocolate fondue. Everyone has a good laugh.

Until some orientation guy came down to persuade us to join their orientation camp. I looked at the date of the camp and told him politely that i'll be having lessons during this period.

I was expecting him to reply something like,"oh if its like that, then maybe u come down for the camp and leave when u have lessons"

But no, he replied blantly,"Dont go for lessons ! its ok one! few lessons only!"

I never felt like slapping someone for a long long time. Not as if i dont want to slap some of those idiots i met in china 3 weeks ago since i know they are not worth my energy, but i'm sure this guy will truely deserved it. He is Worth it.

Thomas knew how i felt. I even revealed some of my story to him, telling him how important this 4 yrs is to me. I already had 6 months all for myself. Ever since the school started, I'm not living for myself anymore. There are dreams and wishes and greatness i'm burdened upon to fulfill.

If i have a choice, do you think i don't want to go to orientation camp to make friends and to have fun? Do u think i enjoyed doing that? Why do you think i cancelled my orignial plans and start my special term early?



I really made it when i said i felt like unleashing my innate violent nature.

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Catching the falling leaves ...[12:45 AM]
****** ******


Thursday, May 10, 2007
Heart of Music
Never had i been so lost during these past few months until today.

For a long long time, i've been trying my best to avoid telling people that I'm a musician. I'm just too ashamed to admit it. Music is something I've forsaken.
Ever since my very last performance close to 3 yrs ago, I've sealed my instrument and had never touched it since. Since then, i've never dreamed about music anymore.

Today is the SYF central judging. Rushed down via taxi from school to watch it. The performance was marvellous, and it instilled the memories many many years ago when i first had my instrument and the time everything changes. And i met my teacher there as well, i wondered if he could still remember me... ... Seeing all of them inspired me once again.

Deep down i know, no matter how much i missed it or how much i want toget back to it or how it used to be my dream. It will not lead me to the place i want. Somesay that one can only follow A WAY, dire consequence will happen if one tries to follow more. I think, i've already experienced the dire consequence already. (not that i'm blaming on anything).

People say that you think using LANGUAGE, hence your idea and understanding of the world itself is only imitated to LANGUAGE. Thats where music comes in....
....music seems to be the only thing that can make time stop....

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Catching the falling leaves ...[11:41 PM]
****** ******


Thursday, April 12, 2007
Dark Earth
The sky was high and the heat from the blazing sun scorched the lands. The piercing rays were occasionally blocked by the white puffy clouds that were just passing by. Trees stood still, enjoying the blessing from the warmth of the source of life, only to be serenated by the birds with their melody.
The water sparkled harmoniously with the essence of life. Like silk, it wavered, covering the curious fish within from the harsh restless sun. The silk at times was blue; at times it would turn green and with the gentle breeze of the passing wind, it became glittering gold.
Everything was bright and beautiful.

Within minutes everything changes.

Thick dark clouds shrouded the entire sky, as if the sky was burning, filled with smoke. And above it, there was a percussion from the thunder performing. The normally gentle wind started to show its temper by slapping the trees, hard. Finally, the birds were quite, as they were all in the mist of a balancing act on the swaying trees. The howling wind was unfeeling and deadly while the sun was nowhere to be seen. With the water being dark and cold and forbidding, no one dares to stay. A storm was coming! everyone thought, but there was no rain, not a single drop. The entire atmosphere was tensed and mysterious. As if something was anticipated to happen, everyone's mind were filled with the mixture of uneasiness and a pinch of excitement. Dark earth.

The latter is the scene of the dream i always had when i was young since 5 (? i think). The vision of destruction of the entire world and the scene was just the prelude. Back then, i yearned for the destruction (and death). And i was always looking forward to seeing this scene.

ALong with it, i kept on asking myself,"why do i exist? why am i living?"
Imagine people young young at around 5 years old kept on thinking about such stuff and things along that line. The thought of it frightens me, and at times caused me to cry myself to sleep. And had to frequently tell myself,"dont think too much, you are living to play and enjoy"

That was why there are times i feel meaningless in doing somethings that i couldn't help it but to destroy myself by giving up, hoping that they will end. I had a deathwish. It was like this for jc, it was briefly like so during eodcc...

Normally, i dont dream if i happen to sleep less then 7 hrs. Nonetheless, since last monday, i've been dreaming everyday, i need the panda eyebag strips...

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Catching the falling leaves ...[9:36 PM]
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